Since then....

As one friend put it: "The gratitude exceeds the grief." 

We are so grateful for a beautiful day on the 8th of September to scatter Alan's ashes at sea. Sharon, Nathan and I sailed in Alan's Heron, whilst Zoe sailed with friend Steve in his family Heron and Dave, Ayla, Logan and Beth went with Cliff and Debbie in their bigger boat (complete with toys and snacks...) Scattering Alan's ashes was never going to be easy, but we are thankful that we had a sunny day and adequate wind to get us out of the harbour. 

We are so grateful for all the lovely memories others have shared with us throughout this time, as well as our own. 

We are so grateful for the multitude of pebbles placed by the boat in thanksgiving for Alan at the service. We are making a rustic seating area with Alan's walking boots planted up nearby and all the pebbles around as our special memory place in Sharon and Dave's garden. 

We are so grateful for the monetary gifts given in his memory - £1234.64 towards the work of OAC and £584.64 towards the work of Macmillan Cancer Support.  

I am so grateful for the support of friends and family as I adjust to a new way of living. Beth, my young friend, has launched my businesses on Facebook as I seek to expand them. I thought it was quite rude to ask people to "like me" on Facebook, but it's apparently what you do! It's not just the child in the playground who asks "will you be my friend?" and "do you like me?" - but we do too! 
Sue's Cornish Kiln site has been launched and Sue's Cornish Kitchen is on its way. For those of you not on Facebook, I also have a website: www.suescornishkiln.co.uk 

I still enjoy about 2 days a week with my little friends - Grandchildren Ayla & Logan, and a friend's children, Davy & Jonah. They bring much joy plus a few challenges!

Alan's office has been emptied and you'll be pleased to hear that Charlie (Alan's infamous puppet) is moving to Poland to work with the OAC guys there. Oliver (Alan's wide mouthed puppet) is moving to Albania. These Cornish guys get everywhere!! (Even in puppet form...)

As time pressures increase, I'm not sure whether or not I will continue this blog. So for those of you that have kept reading it, prayed for me and sent your love: Thank you. 

Every blessing, as Alan would say. 

Sue 

Video of Alan's Thanksgiving Service

Steve has captured the speaking parts of Alan's thanksgiving service on video, so if you missed it or would like to recall what was said, please click on the link below. 

Watch: Alan's Thanksgiving Service

Even Keel?!

.....well I was on an even keel but as Thursday dawned, I awoke tired and tearful. The plan was a work day at Lowen Christian Centre (previously know as Lebanon Christian Centre), but Alan and I had always done that together - I sobbed! I delegated the B&Q shop to Nathan and Zoe - didn't want to disturb a poor member of staff by bursting into tears requesting sand and cement! Alan always got that and was very pleased with his B&Q diamond card! Now, regrettably, only valid in the garden dept.

I eventually got myself together enough to drive and was thankful that it was only family and close friends to see my new look - red, puffy eyes are not flattering! 
Zoe and I managed to complete building the wall Alan started, so that was one success - rustic though it was. 

Since then though, I've been feeling vulnerable and wondering if I've been wise in all my decisions. I've been pushing on getting stuff done, which has involved seeing and talking to quite a lot of people and not taking much time out; when I am someone who needs space to recover. I did have my young friend, Beth, to stay for this weekend so that made me take some beach time; and sea swims are always restorative for me.

I feel even more vulnerable sharing all this, but was encouraged by a Sue Ryder post that it is important to talk about death and how we cope with it. 

Steve Sykes has recorded the speaking parts of the service so if you missed it or want to recall what was said, Beth is hoping to add it to this blog soon.

How are you doing?

'How am I doing?' seems to be the question of the moment.

The truth is, 'I don't know'. Perhaps those of you who have walked this way before, can tell me.

Alan still seems incredibly close - I do believe God has got him and God has got me. Also, after 37 years of living, loving and, often, working together, you do become part and parcel of each others lives.

At times I feel overwhelmed by all the practical stuff you have to sort, do and the bureaucracy of it all. For instance - car insurance - because Alan was the main driver the 'No claims bonus' was in his name. Transferring it to me is not simple even though I have been driving for 41 years without an accident - well, apart from knocking down a gatepost with a tractor in my teens (no insurance involved!) and a few minor scratches and bumps! (Sorry Nath - your van was a bit bigger than our car!!) I've spent hours going around in circles trying to tick the right boxes with the cheaper insurance companies. 

Alan and I always joked that if I died first, he'd hear my voice ringing in his ear, 'You're not going out looking like that are you?!' and if he died first, I'd hear his voice saying, 'I shouldn't worry about it'. So I'm trying not to. The Bible says, 'Don't worry about anything, pray about everything and don't forget to thank God for his answers'.

I've been surprised to find that I'm not an emotional wreck! The first few days were very emotional for all the family and close friends - tears one minute and laughter the next. Since then though, apart from tears welling up at odd times - singing hymns in church, picking up the ashes (they are heavier than you expect!), when overwhelmed by practicalities etc, I've been on a pretty even keel. We did have a conversation before he died when I shared with him that I didn't think it was fair that we'd be down here mourning loosing him and he wouldn't shed a tear. The Bible says there are no tears in heaven. Perhaps he had a word with God?! I suppose, too, that the knowledge that this separation is only temporary and I'll be with him again in Heaven (in however many years I've got - 5, 10, or even 20!) is helping. The previous generation have not had too good a record of living long, though they have lived well! Mum and Dad died at 71 and 72 with cancer, but again, were only ill for a short time. They, nor Alan, would have appreciated deteriorating year upon year. I think Alan's dad's death was the most traumatic - he collapsed on the beach after going for a swim. Although they knew he wasn't well, it was such a shock. His mum holds the record for living the longest - until age 81.

I've been reading a book called, 'Heaven changes everything' - and it does. The book is by Todd and Sonja Burpo and is about their four year old son's near death experience and the things he shared with them about it. I'm finding it quite interesting and comforting.

Finally, I feel like I have been carried by people's prayers. Thank you!

Love Sue 

Beach BBQ

We would like to invite you to a BBQ on Gylly Beach on Sunday 18th August 2019* at 3pm to share memories of Alan and have fun together. 

We will provide burgers, sausages and a vegetarian option but if you'd like anything else, feel free to bring it. We'll also provide tea and coffee but would be grateful if people could bring soft drinks. We'll have some mugs and cups but it might be useful to bring your own. 

*If the weather is not great, we'll do it on Sunday 25th August at 3pm instead.

I am Standing upon the Seashore

Several people have asked for a copy of the poem that Beth read at the thanksgiving service last week, so we thought we'd put it on here. I'll also add a photo of our little Heron sailing dinghy which made it to the service too; it seemed to tie in nicely with the poem. 

I Am Standing Upon The Seashore

Henry Van Dyke 

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white

sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length

she hangs like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come

to mingle with each other. 

Then, someone at my side says;

"There, she is gone!" 

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull

and spar as she was when she left my side

and she is just as able to bear her

load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. 

And just at the moment when someone

at my side says, "There, she is gone!"

There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

Signs of Love

Thank you to everyone who sent cards, flowers and/or joined us for Alan's thanksgiving service (and thank you to the young strong guys who lifted the boat in and out - and the girls who did the flowers!) We were really touched by the amount of people that came to join us in saying farewell to Alan and to give thanks for his life, and to those that helped us behind the scenes. 

Looking back, there are so many ways that God was preparing us for what was ahead, and sharing His love for us:

We were in the garden and Alan was playing with Ayla and Logan - an exaggerated hide and seek game! I heard a little voice in me saying "video this, you won't see him again like this for a while." and a picture came in to my head of one of the last photos of my Dad before he died with youngest grandson Matthew. It's one of those things you do and ponder in your heart what it all means. 

In the Old Testament of the Bible people showed their love for God by sacrificing something precious on an altar. I felt that God was saying to me to lay Alan on God's altar. I was hoping it would be an Isaac outcome and God would give him back to me for a while longer. Abraham thought God told him to sacrifice his son, Isaac - I might be a heretic but I'm not convinced he heard right as God had previously condemned all the child sacrifice going on in the other nations around! Anyway, Abraham was going to prove his love for God by doing just that and then God provided a replacement sacrifice and gave Isaac back to him. 

Ayla sometimes enjoys playing on the Children's Bible App on my phone and recently she was doing the story of Abraham. The phrase that kept coming up was " and God said trust me." - that has been resounding in my mind time and time again. 

One day, coming back from hospital, I asked Alan if he would like to go out around the seafront. We went past the Ships & Castles entrance and a little deer popped up, crossed the road and disappeared on the other side. We've got a thing about deer when we're travelling - always asking each other "have you seen a deer, dear?" It seemed a very silly thing, but just seemed like God's expression of love joining us in our silliness. 

We have so much to be thankful for. We managed an outing for my birthday in May to St Mawes, where Alan took the grandchildren sailing and chased them around the beach. I am grateful that we didn't have to watch him suffering for a long time, and that my outgoing, full of life husband was with me right up until God's heavenly team took him to his new address. 

Love Sue