How are you doing?

'How am I doing?' seems to be the question of the moment.

The truth is, 'I don't know'. Perhaps those of you who have walked this way before, can tell me.

Alan still seems incredibly close - I do believe God has got him and God has got me. Also, after 37 years of living, loving and, often, working together, you do become part and parcel of each others lives.

At times I feel overwhelmed by all the practical stuff you have to sort, do and the bureaucracy of it all. For instance - car insurance - because Alan was the main driver the 'No claims bonus' was in his name. Transferring it to me is not simple even though I have been driving for 41 years without an accident - well, apart from knocking down a gatepost with a tractor in my teens (no insurance involved!) and a few minor scratches and bumps! (Sorry Nath - your van was a bit bigger than our car!!) I've spent hours going around in circles trying to tick the right boxes with the cheaper insurance companies. 

Alan and I always joked that if I died first, he'd hear my voice ringing in his ear, 'You're not going out looking like that are you?!' and if he died first, I'd hear his voice saying, 'I shouldn't worry about it'. So I'm trying not to. The Bible says, 'Don't worry about anything, pray about everything and don't forget to thank God for his answers'.

I've been surprised to find that I'm not an emotional wreck! The first few days were very emotional for all the family and close friends - tears one minute and laughter the next. Since then though, apart from tears welling up at odd times - singing hymns in church, picking up the ashes (they are heavier than you expect!), when overwhelmed by practicalities etc, I've been on a pretty even keel. We did have a conversation before he died when I shared with him that I didn't think it was fair that we'd be down here mourning loosing him and he wouldn't shed a tear. The Bible says there are no tears in heaven. Perhaps he had a word with God?! I suppose, too, that the knowledge that this separation is only temporary and I'll be with him again in Heaven (in however many years I've got - 5, 10, or even 20!) is helping. The previous generation have not had too good a record of living long, though they have lived well! Mum and Dad died at 71 and 72 with cancer, but again, were only ill for a short time. They, nor Alan, would have appreciated deteriorating year upon year. I think Alan's dad's death was the most traumatic - he collapsed on the beach after going for a swim. Although they knew he wasn't well, it was such a shock. His mum holds the record for living the longest - until age 81.

I've been reading a book called, 'Heaven changes everything' - and it does. The book is by Todd and Sonja Burpo and is about their four year old son's near death experience and the things he shared with them about it. I'm finding it quite interesting and comforting.

Finally, I feel like I have been carried by people's prayers. Thank you!

Love Sue